I don't have to beat the bear, I just have to beat you
Two guys are out hunting in the forest for bear when they cross a stream and find themselves face to face with a mean looking 8 foot tall black bear. It lets out a roar and moves towards the men. They take off down the trail running as fast as they can, one man in front, the next following, with the bear in hot pursuit. After a minute or so the man at the rear yells out "why are you slowing down, the bear is going to catch up to us." The other hunter replied, "I don't have to beat the bear, I just have to beat you."
I'd love to, but I have to get back to the lab, I'm dying for a cigarette
A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight, lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
"Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?" "Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."
This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?" "You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full.
"Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly.
"There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We have our way with them. Go and try it."
Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning having the time of his life until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted. "So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you
liked it here."
"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."
Shhhh, you're gonna scare away the vulture
A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that service all of his many hens and when he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: "I have just the rooster for you. Randy here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"
So the farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the henhouse though, he gave Randy a little pep talk. "Randy", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff". And Randy strutted into the henhouse. Randy was as fast as he was furious. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, until Randy had finished having his way with each hen. But Randy didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and had his way with all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pighouse, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, "Stop, Randy, you'll kill yourself". But Randy continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.
Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A vulture was already circling above Randy. The farmer walked up to Randy saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you my little buddy".
"Shhhhh," Randy whispered, "You're going to scare away the vulture".
The 12th one's in the front honking the horn
A farmer has a dozen sows that he needs to impregnate. He calls the farmer up the road whose boar won the 4H competition the previous year. "What do you charge to get my sows pregnant?" the farmer asked. "10 bucks a piece, guaranteed results" said the boar's owner. So the farmer puts the 12 pigs in the back of the pickup truck, drives up the road to the other farmer's place, and brings the 12 sows into the barn.
There he sees the boar, truly a magnificent specimen. He peels off the $120, and asks the other farmer "Guaranteed results?" The other farmer says "absolutely guaranteed." "How will I know the sows are pregnant?" "If they're rolling in the mud, they're pregnant. If they're just standing around, they're not."
So the prize boar has his way with each of the sows, with much squealing and grunting. The farmer leads the 12 sows up the ramp to the pickup truck. "Guaranteed?" Guaranteed."
The next morning he rushes out to the yard, hoping the previous day's session was successful. To his disappointment, all 12 sows are standing around in the yard, not one rolling in the mud. He calls the other farmer, tells him the news, loads the 12 sows in the back of the truck, and drives up for a second session. Again, much squealing and grunting ensued, and the farmer returned home with his sows.
The next morning he rushes out to the yard, hoping the second session was successful. To his disappointment, all 12 sows are standing around in the yard again, not one rolling in the mud. He calls the other farmer, tells him the news, loads the 12 sows in the back of the truck, and drives up for a third session. Again, much squealing and grunting ensued, and the farmer returned home with his sows.
The next morning he is so tired from his work that he can barely get out of bed. He yells to his wife "honey, are the sows standing around?" She replies, "nope." Excited, he yells, "are they rolling in the mud? She replies, "nope." He says, "So then what are they doin'?"
"Well, 11 are in the back of the pickup truck, and the 12th one's in the front honking the horn."
You can't eat a great pig like that all at once
Salesman visits a farm to sell the farmer some equipment. He notices that one of the pigs in the yard has a wooden leg. He asks the farmer "Why does that pig have a wooden leg?" The farmer replies, "That's not a regular pig. Why just last summer on a hot night my kids were sleeping in the barn, a spark lit the hayloft on fire, and this pig dragged each of my kids to safety."
The salesman replied, "Wow, that's an amazing pig. So the pig must have broken it's leg carrying the children out of the hayloft." The farmer replied, "Nope." "So how did the pig lose his leg?" The farmer replied, "Just this September I was harvesting the last crop, and there was a carbon monoxide leak in the tractor. I passed out in the cabin and was about to die, but the pig saw I was unconscious, ran out into the field, climbed up on the tractor, opened the door, and dragged me out."
The salesman replied, "Wow, that's an amazing pig. So the pig must have lost it's leg carrying you out of the tractor?" The farmer replied, "Nope." "So how did the pig lose his leg?" The farmer replied, "Well, you can't eat a great pig like that all at once."
Sheep lie
Salesman visits a farm to sell the farmer some equipment. The farmer has no use for the salesman, and tries to send him on his way. Desparately trying to keep the sales pitch going, the salesman says "Mind if I talk to your dog over there?" Farmer says, "Suit yourself, the dog don't talk."
Salesman returns 5 minutes later. "That dog says you are the greatest owner a dog could ever have. You give him scraps from the table, let him sleep in your bed when it's thundering out. He says you are the best owner." The farmer replies "The dog don't talk."
Still desparate to keep the pitch alive, the salesman says "Mind if I talk to your horse over there?" Farmer says, "Suit yourself, the horse don't talk."
Salesman returns 5 minutes later. "That horse says you are the greatest owner a horse could ever have. You give him carrots and sugar cubes, brush him every day, and always muck out his stall. He says you are the best owner." The farmer replies "The horse don't talk."
Now completely desparate, the salesman searches for another animal. "Mind if I talk to your sheep over there?" Farmer says, "Sheep lie."
You don't want to get an ugly one, do you?
Frenchman hears that the Foreign Legion is a great way to meet girls, so he enlists. Arriving at his camp in the middle of the Sahara desert after a three week trek, he reports for duty to the base captain's tent. After the briefing the captain asks, "Private Michel, any questions?" He answers, "Yes, one, captain. What do the men due for sex here?"
"Once a month the local herders bring the camels through, and we have our way with them." Private Michel is disgusted, spits on the dirt floor and says "Captain, I am a Frenchman, I will not have sex with a camel as long as I live." He is dismissed.
Two weeks later he knocks on the Captain's tent door. "Captain, it has been a long two weeks. When are the camels coming?" The captain replies, "Any day now." Private Michel asks "How will we know when they have arrived?"
"We have sentries posted all around the camp, when we see them coming, we will sound the alarm". That very night Private Michel is awakened in the middle of the night b the sound of men screaming and yelling. He emerges from his tent to see the entire camp of 100 men running for the front gate. Men are pushing and shoving each other to move to the front of the pack. "How many camels?" one yells. "250, 300 camels" another answers. Private Michel finds himself running next to the captain. "Captain, there are 100 men and 250 camels. Why is everyone pushing and shoving?"
The captain answers, "You idiot, you don't want to get an ugly one, do you?"