And your honor, I swear that's exactly how it happened
A guy is out golfing and is about to chip in when he hears "ribbit, 9 iron, ribbit". He turns to see a frog and says, "Just to prove how dumb a frog you are I will use a 9 iron". So he chips in. Amazed he picks up the frog, takes him to the next hole and says, "Mr Frog any suggestions?" The frog says "ribbit, 3 wood, ribbit". Using a three wood he got a hole in one. Guy says "Mr. Frog, you're amazing. Where do you want to go?" The frog replied: "Ribbit, Las Vegas, Ribbit". Smiling, the guy said fine.
At the Vegas airport the guy said "OK Mr. Frog, now what?" The frog says, "Craps table, $500, eight the hard way." The guy goes to the nearest casino, places the bet, and it hits, the guy is ahead $4,000. The guy says, "OK Mr. Frog, now what?" The frog says: "Ribbit, Roulette Wheel, Ribbit, $4,000 on black six, ribbit". Guy placed the bet, and up comes black six - the guy collects $140,000.
The guy said, Mr. Frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit, let's get a room, ribbit." so the guy gets the nicest suite in Vegas. They get to the room and the guy asks: "Mr. Frog, is there anything else I can do for you?" The frog replied: "Ribbit, give me a kiss, Ribbit". The guy looked around, and looked at his cash and says why not and kisses the frog. All of a sudden the frog turned into a beautiful 16 year old blonde girl.
"And your honor, I swear that is exactly how it happened."
You've been playing golf again, haven't you!
A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished they fell asleep and didn't wake up till 8 o'clock. They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she does as he asks.
The man finally gets home and his wife meets him at the door. Upset, she asks where he's been. The man replies, "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."
The wife looks at him, takes notice of his shoes and says, "I see those grass stains on your shoes. You've been playing golf again, haven't you!?"
The last time I tried that I triple bogeyed
A man is a golf nut, and a confirmed bachelor. Every weekend it's 72 holes. Every vacation is a golf vacation. There's no room in his life for romance. FInally, in his late 30's he meets a wonderful woman and things begin to get serious. He warns her "Golf is my life, and I won't let anything get in the way." Even with this warning, she marries him. Two years later she has become a desparate golf widow, and decides to take up the game in the hope of spending more time with her husband.
After intense lessons and practice she improves rapidly, and is a respectable 14 handicap. She confronts her husband at dinner. "Honey, I am a 12 handicap, and I miss you terribly. Can I play a round with you this weekend?" He replies, "Absolutely not, I don't play a mixed game."
"But I know the course really well, why don't I caddy for you, at least that way we can spend the day togehter." He relents, and they go out on the course the next morning. Her club selection was superb, and they are having the time of their life when he pulls a ball almost out of bounds behind an old utility shed on 9. "Darn", he says, "I need to take the penalty stroke and drop it back in line."
"No," his wife repied", I can hold open one door of the utility shed, and prop the bag against the far door. You can chip through the shed and be on the green in two." You're brilliant!", he said. She propped open the far door with the bag, and held open the near door. He took a big cut at the ball, but snagged the rough, sending the ball directly into his wife's forehead, killing her instantly.
Heartbroken to have lost his love just as they were beginning to share the game, he avoided romance and kept to golf. But two years later he met another woman. Same thing happened. She never sees him. She takes up the game. She asks to play with him, he refuses. She asks to caddy, he relents. First 8 holes he plays even better than with his first wife, having a ball. On the 9th he hits into the exact same position behind the utility shed.
"Darn", he says, "I need to take the penalty stroke and drop it back in line." "No," his 2nd wife repied", I can hold open one door of the utility shed, and prop the bag against the far door. You can chip through the shed and be on the green in two."
"No way", he replied. "Why not?", she asked. "The last time I tried that I triple bogeyed."
You have a set of clubs in there too?
A man's boat capsizes in the middle of the ocean. He washes up on a deserted island with nothing but the clothes on his back. He builds a small shelter and finds food and water, but he misses civilization more with each passing day.
While walking on the beach one day, he sees a beautiful woman emerge from the ocean wearing a scuba tank and a wetsuit. She says, "You look like you could use a smoke." She unzips a pocket on one arm of her wetsuit, pulls a Cuban cigar from inside, and hands it to the man. The man smokes slowly, and tells her that it is the finest cigar that he has ever smoked.
"How about a drink?" the woman asks. She unzips another pocket, reaches in, and pulls out a small flask. "It's a 17-year-old, single malt scotch, aged in oak," the woman tells him. The man is almost beside himself with joy as he sips the drink.
The woman then begins unzipping the front of her wetsuit. "Want to play around?" she asks.
"Jesus Christ!" the man says. "You have a set of golf clubs in there too?"